During this yearʼs National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW), Leigh Fitzpatrick Snead, who personally carries the cross of infertility, spoke about the difficult topic with the hope of making others experiencing it feel less alone.
NIAW runs from April 19–25, bringing attention to the high numbers of people — now 1 in 6 globally — who experience infertility at some point in their lives, according to the World Health Organization.
Snead, a fellow at The Catholic Association, tackles the topic in her book “Infertile But Fruitful: Finding Fulfillment When You Canʼt Conceive.” Through her story and the stories of other women, she wrote the book to be “the voice of a friend who has been where you are now and made it through in one piece.”
Snead said the book was “a chance for me to add to the growing conversation and awareness about infertility, especially among Catholics for whom in vitro fertilization (IVF) (the standard ‘cure’ for infertility) is not an option.”
In an interview with EWTN News, Snead shared her perspective and offered encouragement and advice for couples navigating the grief of infertility.
EWTN News: What might people not know about infertility?
Leigh Snead: For sure, how many people are suffering from it. For good reasons, this is a particularly private cross — it involves the most intimate parts of your marriage, for one. But marriage is public, and people can easily see if you do or donʼt have children, or, in most cases, whether or not youʼre expecting.
There is a lot of hard stuff experienced in silence and even shame. It might be hard to understand if you havenʼt been through it, but it can feel almost humiliating when you canʼt conceive and so you tend to slap on a smile and pretend nothing is wrong.
Itʼs too bad when we give in to this temptation to isolate ourselves from others who really only want to help. Yes, their concern can feel like even more pressure on top of what you may already be feeling internally, but you should open yourself up to their prayers.
In the same way, pray for married couples and couples you think might be carrying the cross of infertility, even before they ask you.
What do you wish you knew when you began navigating infertility, and what would you tell couples who are going through it now?
I wish I hadnʼt overlooked and underestimated the relief and comfort I could have received by being more open about my physical and emotional struggles when facing infertility. The more I kept it a secret, the more shameful it all felt, which led to isolation and even more secrecy and shame.
Privacy is one thing, but purposefully forgoing the love and prayers of those who only care for you out of shame over something you have little to no control over — nothing good can come of that.
What steps can couples who are going through infertility take?
Seek good medical care that aligns with your values. Learn and develop a good understanding of what the Church teaches, especially about the prohibition of IVF. Understand the “why” — not just the fact that itʼs “not allowed.” Communicate with each other and make time to enjoy your marriage even though youʼre struggling.
Bear this burden together. Find parish support groups or a group online. Pray together and choose a saint to accompany you. Youʼre probably going to feel and think some dark things, so frequent confession, spiritual direction, and counseling is a good idea.
What does the Catholic Church offer couples who struggle with this? What do you think the Church can do to further help them?
The teachings on marriage, sexuality, and procreation the Church gives us are such a gift, but we need to be reminded of them regularly. Iʼd like to see more priests and seminarians become fluent in the language of Catholic infertility. I think making a discussion about the possibility of infertility should be included in marriage prep courses.
The Catholic infertility ministry Springs in the Desert is a great resource not only for those carrying the cross of infertility but for those, like priests, hoping to support them.
What advice do you have for couples who are being pushed to try IVF and other methods that do not align with Church teaching?
Seek medical care from a doctor who respects or, even better, shares your views on marriage, sexuality, procreation, and human dignity. This is true for whatever type of medical care you may be seeking and is not limited to fertility care. If you feel mistreated by your physician, just walk out. There is another doctor out there who will provide you with the care you deserve.
You and your husband eventually became parents though adoption. What would you want people to know about adoption?
I think itʼs important to keep in mind that infertility and adoption are not to be lumped together, and I try to not conflate the two in my work. Thatʼs not always easy for me because I have four beautiful sons through the great gift of adoption.
Not everyone with a diagnosis of infertility will be called to adopt a child. There are so many ways to be fruitful! We shouldnʼt limit our idea of a fruitful marriage to the raising of children, and no one should feel obliged to adopt because theyʼre unable to conceive. And if they donʼt hear that call to adopt it does not mean that they didnʼt “really” want a child, or that they arenʼt suffering.
In a similar fashion, adoption fulfilled my call to motherhood but the arrival of my sons did not “cure” my infertility, nor did it take away the scars infertility can leave behind. Itʼs one of those messy parts of life where you feel all the feelings at once.
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.