They arrive in the dark of night to give Christmas joy to grieving families who have suffered unimaginable losses. Quietly, they leave gifts, decorate trees and walkways, and then depart, hopefully undetected.
The Christmas Commandos, as they are called, have been providing love and comfort to families grieving out-of-order losses—the loss of a child or the loss of a young spouse—for over 25 years.
At a time of year that should be joyful, but is clouded with sadness, grief, and loneliness, these incredible volunteers, who all wish to remain anonymous, become the light in the darkness as they affirm the dignity of the deceased by spreading love and compassion to those left behind.
This truly life-affirming endeavor illuminates the inherent value of each person—deceased and alive. And it all started with one woman.
The Chief Commando
The Chief, as she is known, wishes to remain anonymous, and she is the epitome of helping God create something good out of a tragedy.
In 1992, her youngest daughter, who was just 15 months old, was diagnosed with a rare form of pediatric liver cancer. During her daughter’s treatment, the Chief reached out to other families facing similar experiences to offer love, solace, and comfort. She explained that her daughter eventually beat cancer, but she witnessed the heartbreak that other families endured when they lost children.
In 2000, the Chief began serving as the family parent advocate in pediatric oncology in a Northern Indiana hospital. Her heart remained heavy for those families who lost children, and she wanted to reach out to them after these deaths to let them know that they were not alone and that they and their children had not been forgotten. Knowing that Christmas is a very difficult time of year for those who have lost children, she had a unique idea to give some Christmas joy to those weighed down by grief and to affirm the dignity of their loved one.
The Chief’s work was born out of a promise she had made to God when her daughter was diagnosed with cancer. She explained, “I promised God that if He would let her live, that I would do His work, and I didn’t know what that work was going to be. I really didn’t. It just presented itself slowly over time, and I just took it by the horns and ran with it.”
And ran with it she did! That first year, she and some friends worked out of her basement. They identified five families who had lost children, and they bought gifts to deliver anonymously on Christmas Eve.
As the years passed, the need grew, as did knowledge of their work. Family members and friends of those who had lost someone found out about the Commandos, now a 501(c)(3), and nominated their loved ones. Soon, the Commandos were serving approximately 150 families a year.
The Chief explained, “I never wanted any glory at all. It was all about these families. And the reason was that I wanted these families to feel the love pouring in. I wanted them to walk out of their front door and think, ‘Is it my neighbor?’ or to see the cashier at the grocery store, the librarian, the teacher, the Sunday school teacher, and feel that the love was pouring in because they wouldn’t know who brought them Christmas.”
Imagine waking up on Christmas morning, feeling so full of anguish that you can barely function for the remaining family members, and then looking out the door to see tinsel and ornaments in your trees, gifts on the lawn, candy canes lining your walkway, and the Commandos’ signature angel statue.
The Chief explained that one recipient, who had lost his son in a horrific car accident, said, “When I opened my door on Christmas morning, and I saw the angel and the garland fluttering in the tree, it was the moment that my heart began to thaw.”
Recipients describe the scene as magical, and the anonymity makes it so.
Indeed, the Chief said that, due to their proximity to the University of Notre Dame, many staff members at ND have volunteered throughout the years. And former university president Fr. Ted Hesburgh signed many Bibles for families, even after he began losing his sight. She explained that he once wrote her a letter saying that the “true meaning of Christmas and of giving is being anonymous.”
The Chief explained that the gifts are all “tailor-made for each individual in that family,” as the person who nominates the family is given a detailed questionnaire about likes and dislikes, favorite sports teams, hobbies, and more.
The Christmas Commandos receive donations from throughout the community, so in addition to gifts, they also try to give every family an experience—whether that’s a night at the movies, a golf outing, or tickets to a symphony or a play. Each person’s desires are carefully considered so that each feels special.
The phrase “it takes a village” certainly applies to the Commandos, as it takes hundreds of volunteers to make this all work. From shoppers to wrappers, to the teams that deliver the packages on Christmas Eve, to the companies that donate space for the group to wrap gifts, the love and the joy the community members exude show their compassion for those who are suffering.
One recipient-turned-volunteer understands the magical feeling of waking up to this sight.
Paying it forward
Jennifer had never heard of Christmas Commandos until after one of her sisters passed away from cancer 13 years ago. As Christmas approached, even though she had young children at home, she dreaded the holiday. It had been just two months since her sister had died, and she felt “completely depressed and wanted the day to get over with.”
But then she walked down her stairs and looked out the front door. One of the trees was decorated with ornaments and tinsel. There were plastic candy canes in the yard, along with many gifts. The Commandos’ signature angel statue stood proudly watching over her. Jennifer said she assumed that they must be for her kids, so she donned shoes and went outside to check, only to find that her name was on all of them. She was dumbfounded and thought, “Who in the world would do this for me?”
She took them all inside and opened each one with renewed tears. She explained that each one was so personal that she “cried for every gift that [she] opened.”
Inside was a note from Christmas Commandos that said in part: “These gifts have been brought to you this day in the spirit of love. We can only imagine how difficult it must be for you this Christmas, but want you to know that so many people care about you. You are never alone.”
Jennifer never did find out who nominated her, and she does not want to know because it takes some of the wonder out of it. She explained, “It felt like an angel had delivered these to me. It felt like a gift from heaven. The gifts are exciting, but it’s the love. There’s a magic in it that I can’t really explain. The gifts are great, and they’re personal. But it’s beyond that. It’s the love you feel [from being a recipient].”
This year, Jennifer, who now volunteers for the Commandos, nominated her sister and her family, as they lost a 31-year-old daughter to cancer earlier this year. Additionally, she nominated her father and her niece’s husband, who are also grieving. She is so excited for them to open their gifts and said that her dad, a widower, is “going to be shocked that somebody delivered something for him.” She explained, “He’s always doing stuff for others, and nothing is ever about him. He will feel the love.”
Jennifer’s transition from recipient to volunteer is not unique. Many of the past recipients have felt so valued by this program that they volunteer year after year. They have all become God’s hands and feet here on earth—His earthly angels—as they work to make the recipients feel valued and seen.
Today’s Commandos
The Christmas Commandos have now brought the joy of Christmas to over 5,000 families, and the Chief said that she never turns anyone down, as long as they meet the criteria that they have suffered the out-of-order loss of a child or of a young spouse/parent. Friends and family can nominate a recipient through the website, and while it used to be unique to the Northern Indiana area, anyone throughout the country can nominate someone.
Today, the Chief has taken a step back, and her youngest daughter—the one who survived cancer—runs the Commandos, though the Chief remains heavily involved. She explained that she now hopes to impart the spirit of generosity to her grandkids as well, as she shared, “It’s so important for this upcoming generation to really care about others. And as adults and elders and mentors, we have to teach them the importance of doing for others without ever having a reason.”
As they prepare to serve as the modern-day Saint Nicholases again this year, the Chief tearfully shared that seeing her daughter take over the reins is the “greatest gift” she could have ever received. I’m sure the recipients of the Commandos’ generosity feel the same way.
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